With the first two pregnancies I made a small reminder of each, some pictures, some letters from Gabe and I to the baby and some drawings from Noe. We got no headstone or funeral or memorial service to grieve and to remember, so this was our way to do just that; grieve and remember.
The last miscarriage was different. We had a few close friends and family that rode the roller coaster with us. And right away I went into comforter mode. I felt the need to make sure my family and friends were okay and to make sure they knew that I wasn't mad at God and that I would make it through okay, still walking with the Lord. I guess I was still in shock. I cried but it was different, I was sad but I felt like I was doing well navigating my way through. I just want to laugh at myself now. I had no idea what was ahead.
It was four weeks after the miscarriage that I hit the wall. It was scary to me how entirely my feelings changed over night regarding EVERYTHING!!! I woke up one morning unable to be alone. I called my sister-in-law (one of my closest friends) and asked to spend the day with her. And the next day and the next. I found that I couldn't be alone without a feeling panicky and so lonely I couldn't breathe. I didn't recognize myself, I have only ever wanted to be a wife and mother and all of a sudden I wanted neither of those things. Overnight I couldn't look at my husband, I could barely take care of my son. I fantasized about leaving or my husband leaving. (I am a fiercely devoted person, when I choose to love someone I NEVER change my mind). And I didn't want to be pregnant. I was so done with that desire, which is so crazy because I have never had that thought EVER! This was all so extreme for me that I thought I was having a mid life crisis...32 that's close to mid life right??? =)
I was suppose to go with my sister for the weekend to a craft fair we do every year and I could only ask her if Gabe could come too. She finally told me I need to talk with our Pastor's wife who did some counseling. I was a little offended but ended up feeling so strange that I had to talk to someone. (Now, I've never been to counseling or anything like that so this felt weird just agreeing to go). But God is good and knew what I needed to make it through this dark place. I met with my pastor's wife and spilled my guts, I told her everything, thinking that she was going to tell me I needed medication...and I was okay with that since I felt so crazy. But she just told me that this was grief and this was normal and I wasn't crazy, I was just grieving. What a relief it was to hear that!!! My Father in heaven was so quick to help me get that word to my heart. (I believe that He directed me quickly (within 3 days) to someone who recognized my grief for what it was and helped me identify what was going on. Once I knew what was going on I was able to tell myself that I couldn't trust anything that I "felt" and that in time all the craziness would pass. Just knowing that saved me from doing some crazy things. I even believe it saved my marriage.
This was just the beginning of a dark time of my life (and by dark time I don't mean that I was off doing bad stuff, it was just a very painful time as I weeded through the craziness and journeyed through the junk to get to the truth. God's word says He's hidden treasures for us in dark places. I saw this like never before...I wasn't reading my Bible or praying per say but God spoke such profound, deeply intense and relevant, AMAZING, life changing words to my heart and spirit-while I slept, while I stared off into space, random times. I have never understood the love of the Father like I did seeing Him comfort me during this time. I cry just remembering the gentleness, compassion and grace that He handled me with during the most painful time I have ever endured. He held me close, He let me scream, let me pound on His chest, He reassured me of His love over and over again, and He gave me precious and priceless jewels the whole time. He would tell me "you are My daughter, the favorite daughter of the King, I love you, favorite one, Favored one. My heart wants to give you the best, the most amazing life and experiences, even more that you want. You are Mine..."
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Repoductive Science Center (RSC) 2008, 2009 and 3 miscarriages
After Noak came into our lives we realized even more how much we loved being parents. We had to leave our home town because due to our finances (I was no longer working and my husband's pay was a sad joke). We ended up moving to Redding, CA and fell in love with the area, Bethel Church, and the people we met. We continued to try for a baby naturally and the years continued to roll by. By 2008 we had tried EVERYTHING in our power to get pregnant and finally we decided to visit a fertility specialist. We had talked with a few friends and friends of friends that had been to the Reproductive Science Center in San Ramon, CA and all of them raved about it. So though it was 3 hours away and VERY expensive, we decided to go see what could be done.
Right away they diagnosed me with PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which no doctor up til now had figured out. (And RSC did it with one ultrasound). It was good to have a specific thing to go after, and I began to pray specifically for healing of PCOS. We also began the first level of treatment.
IntraUterine Insemination (IUI): This is where they give you hormones to grow your eggs and then when there are 2-3 that are large enough, you take a trigger shot that causes your body to release them. This was some of my worst nightmares brought to life. I have a horrid fear of needles and this scared me something fierce. I was to be given a shot in my stomach every night for like 10 days. I almost cried the first time because I wasn't sure what to expect, turns out when you're using a tiny needle that barely goes into your skin--it doesn't hurt that bad. (Of course for me it wasn't the pain, it was the grossness of the thought of a needle piercing my skin). I started using a tiny bit of lidocane which made the pain nonexistent. But ever night I would still get so nervous (little did I know there was something a whole lot worse to come). The first round we had too many eggs to trigger the release so we had to wait for the next cycle. The next cycle I actually got pregnant and experienced my first miscarriage. I knew I was pregnant from week 3 on and knew there was something wrong when my first pregnancy test was only a faint positive followed the next day by a fainter positive. Up until that point the worst thing I thought I could see was a negative pregnancy test...but I found out that a faint positive getting fainter was even worse. For three days I prayed that my numbers would go up and that the pregnancy would stick. (We even had beloved friends sing the Father's heart over us while we cried on the couch, praying for a miracle. Truth be told this was a time that endeared our hearts to our friends and began a life long deep connection with them). The first miscarriage broke my heart, it came on the day of my sister-in-laws first baby shower. I cried sobs that shook me to my core. But I picked myself up, I knew what God has spoken to me and I held tight to the dream of children, the dream of pregnancy, and to the promise that I had heard from God.
We tried one more round of IUI and we told it was time to try the next level of assistance. We couldn't quite do Invitro fertilization (IVF), emotionally or financially, so we took a break. May of 2009 we finally decided to bite the bullet and get a loan for IVF. IVF was a much more complicated and invasive procedure. I had to do the shots in the stomach, then when the eggs were ready (I think like 40+ eggs) the put me to sleep and got out a whole bunch (with a needle through my uterine wall. Oh and I had to have an IV which was what I was the most worried about, and it was no big deal), then they fertilized them and put them back. Then came the "thrilling" part...my dear hubby got to give me a shot in my butt with a 2" needle every night (and that was open ended)!!! I cried before the first time he gave me a shot. I was so worried that I sat on an ice pack for a 1/2 hour before the shot. Thankfully that did the trick, the ice numbed it enough and deep enough that I couldn't feel a thing!!! THANK YOU JESUS!!!! But once again, I found out early that I was pregnant and this time the miscarriage sent me to the ER (which 2 years later I am still paying for)! I grieved that baby but held on tight to my promises and my dreams and I got ready for the next round of IVF.
The last round of IVF we did using our left over frozen embryos. We had two left and I was very hopeful. We didn't have to do as much this time, only the horrid shots in my butt (every day until I miscarried at 8 weeks). I found out at 3 1/2 weeks that I was pregnant and strongly so. With this one I had great hcg hormone levels (which are pregnancy hormones) and I felt great. At 6 weeks we saw the first heart beat, just a little blinking circle on the screen. All was well, my little one was strong and thriving. But there was a small mass at the top of my uterus (probably where the other baby didn't continue developing). at 6 1/2 weeks I started to spot just a little and my heart ached. I kept my feet up all the time even though we were on vacation with my sister's family in Palm Dessert, CA. I was 7 1/2 weeks when we headed home but on our way home I started to bleed profusely. I went to get it checked the next day and the baby was still there we could even see her (I think she would have been a girl) little head distinct from her little body. She had changed so much in one week, I was amazed and scared and already in love with this little one I had long for so deeply. We found that the clot at the top of my uterus had broken loose and was sliding to the bottom of my uterus. It could be fine and just come out or it could be devastating and I could loose my health and strong baby. A few days later I miscarried. I was 8 weeks and I was out of town at my in-laws house while my husband was out of town for work. When we went back for another ultra sound all that was left was a mass of debris.
Right away they diagnosed me with PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which no doctor up til now had figured out. (And RSC did it with one ultrasound). It was good to have a specific thing to go after, and I began to pray specifically for healing of PCOS. We also began the first level of treatment.
IntraUterine Insemination (IUI): This is where they give you hormones to grow your eggs and then when there are 2-3 that are large enough, you take a trigger shot that causes your body to release them. This was some of my worst nightmares brought to life. I have a horrid fear of needles and this scared me something fierce. I was to be given a shot in my stomach every night for like 10 days. I almost cried the first time because I wasn't sure what to expect, turns out when you're using a tiny needle that barely goes into your skin--it doesn't hurt that bad. (Of course for me it wasn't the pain, it was the grossness of the thought of a needle piercing my skin). I started using a tiny bit of lidocane which made the pain nonexistent. But ever night I would still get so nervous (little did I know there was something a whole lot worse to come). The first round we had too many eggs to trigger the release so we had to wait for the next cycle. The next cycle I actually got pregnant and experienced my first miscarriage. I knew I was pregnant from week 3 on and knew there was something wrong when my first pregnancy test was only a faint positive followed the next day by a fainter positive. Up until that point the worst thing I thought I could see was a negative pregnancy test...but I found out that a faint positive getting fainter was even worse. For three days I prayed that my numbers would go up and that the pregnancy would stick. (We even had beloved friends sing the Father's heart over us while we cried on the couch, praying for a miracle. Truth be told this was a time that endeared our hearts to our friends and began a life long deep connection with them). The first miscarriage broke my heart, it came on the day of my sister-in-laws first baby shower. I cried sobs that shook me to my core. But I picked myself up, I knew what God has spoken to me and I held tight to the dream of children, the dream of pregnancy, and to the promise that I had heard from God.
We tried one more round of IUI and we told it was time to try the next level of assistance. We couldn't quite do Invitro fertilization (IVF), emotionally or financially, so we took a break. May of 2009 we finally decided to bite the bullet and get a loan for IVF. IVF was a much more complicated and invasive procedure. I had to do the shots in the stomach, then when the eggs were ready (I think like 40+ eggs) the put me to sleep and got out a whole bunch (with a needle through my uterine wall. Oh and I had to have an IV which was what I was the most worried about, and it was no big deal), then they fertilized them and put them back. Then came the "thrilling" part...my dear hubby got to give me a shot in my butt with a 2" needle every night (and that was open ended)!!! I cried before the first time he gave me a shot. I was so worried that I sat on an ice pack for a 1/2 hour before the shot. Thankfully that did the trick, the ice numbed it enough and deep enough that I couldn't feel a thing!!! THANK YOU JESUS!!!! But once again, I found out early that I was pregnant and this time the miscarriage sent me to the ER (which 2 years later I am still paying for)! I grieved that baby but held on tight to my promises and my dreams and I got ready for the next round of IVF.
The last round of IVF we did using our left over frozen embryos. We had two left and I was very hopeful. We didn't have to do as much this time, only the horrid shots in my butt (every day until I miscarried at 8 weeks). I found out at 3 1/2 weeks that I was pregnant and strongly so. With this one I had great hcg hormone levels (which are pregnancy hormones) and I felt great. At 6 weeks we saw the first heart beat, just a little blinking circle on the screen. All was well, my little one was strong and thriving. But there was a small mass at the top of my uterus (probably where the other baby didn't continue developing). at 6 1/2 weeks I started to spot just a little and my heart ached. I kept my feet up all the time even though we were on vacation with my sister's family in Palm Dessert, CA. I was 7 1/2 weeks when we headed home but on our way home I started to bleed profusely. I went to get it checked the next day and the baby was still there we could even see her (I think she would have been a girl) little head distinct from her little body. She had changed so much in one week, I was amazed and scared and already in love with this little one I had long for so deeply. We found that the clot at the top of my uterus had broken loose and was sliding to the bottom of my uterus. It could be fine and just come out or it could be devastating and I could loose my health and strong baby. A few days later I miscarried. I was 8 weeks and I was out of town at my in-laws house while my husband was out of town for work. When we went back for another ultra sound all that was left was a mass of debris.
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