Grief

With the first two pregnancies I made a small reminder of each, some pictures, some letters from Gabe and I to the baby and some drawings from Noe.  We got no headstone or funeral or memorial service to grieve and to remember, so this was our way to do just that; grieve and remember. 

The last miscarriage was different. We had a few close friends and family that rode the roller coaster with us. And right away I went into comforter mode. I felt the need to make sure my family and friends were okay and to make sure they knew that I wasn't mad at God and that I would make it through okay, still walking with the Lord. I guess I was still in shock. I cried but it was different, I was sad but I felt like I was doing well navigating my way through. I just want to laugh at myself now. I had no idea what was ahead. 

It was four weeks after the miscarriage that I hit the wall.  It was scary to me how entirely my feelings changed over night regarding EVERYTHING!!! I woke up one morning unable to be alone. I called my sister-in-law (one of my closest friends) and asked to spend the day with her.  And the next day and the next. I found that I couldn't be alone without a feeling panicky and so lonely I couldn't breathe. I didn't recognize myself, I have only ever wanted to be a wife and mother and all of a sudden I wanted neither of those things. Overnight I couldn't look at my husband, I could barely take care of my son. I fantasized about leaving or my husband leaving. (I am a fiercely devoted person, when I choose to love someone I NEVER change my mind). And I didn't want to be pregnant. I was so done with that desire, which is so crazy because I have never had that thought EVER! This was all so extreme for me that I thought I was having a mid life crisis...32 that's close to mid life right??? =) 

I was suppose to go with my sister for the weekend to a craft fair we do every year and I could only ask her if Gabe could come too. She finally told me I need to talk with our Pastor's wife who did some counseling. I was a little offended but ended up feeling so strange that I had to talk to someone. (Now, I've never been to counseling or anything like that so this felt weird just agreeing to go).  But God is good and knew what I needed to make it through this dark place.  I met with my pastor's wife and spilled my guts, I told her everything, thinking that she was going to tell me I needed medication...and I was okay with that since I felt so crazy. But she just told me that this was grief and this was normal and I wasn't crazy, I was just grieving.  What a relief it was to hear that!!! My Father in heaven was so quick to help me get that word to my heart. (I believe that He directed me quickly (within 3 days) to someone who recognized my grief for what it was and helped me identify what was going on.  Once I knew what was going on I was able to tell myself that I couldn't trust anything that I "felt" and that in time all the craziness would pass. Just knowing that saved me from doing some crazy things.  I even believe it saved my marriage. 

This was just the beginning of a dark time of my life (and by dark time I don't mean that I was off doing bad stuff, it was just a very painful time as I weeded through the craziness and journeyed through the junk to get to the truth. God's word says He's hidden treasures for us in dark places. I saw this like never before...I wasn't reading my Bible or praying per say but God spoke such profound, deeply intense and relevant, AMAZING, life changing words to my heart and spirit-while I slept, while I stared off into space, random times.  I have never understood the love of the Father like I did seeing Him comfort me during this time. I cry just remembering the gentleness, compassion and grace that He handled me with during the most painful time I have ever endured. He held me close, He let me scream, let me pound on His chest, He reassured me of His love over and over again, and He gave me precious and priceless jewels the whole time. He would tell me "you are My daughter, the favorite daughter of the King, I love you, favorite one, Favored one. My heart wants to give you the best, the most amazing life and experiences, even more that you want. You are Mine..."