With the first two pregnancies I made a small reminder of each, some pictures, some letters from Gabe and I to the baby and some drawings from Noe. We got no headstone or funeral or memorial service to grieve and to remember, so this was our way to do just that; grieve and remember.
The last miscarriage was different. We had a few close friends and family that rode the roller coaster with us. And right away I went into comforter mode. I felt the need to make sure my family and friends were okay and to make sure they knew that I wasn't mad at God and that I would make it through okay, still walking with the Lord. I guess I was still in shock. I cried but it was different, I was sad but I felt like I was doing well navigating my way through. I just want to laugh at myself now. I had no idea what was ahead.
It was four weeks after the miscarriage that I hit the wall. It was scary to me how entirely my feelings changed over night regarding EVERYTHING!!! I woke up one morning unable to be alone. I called my sister-in-law (one of my closest friends) and asked to spend the day with her. And the next day and the next. I found that I couldn't be alone without a feeling panicky and so lonely I couldn't breathe. I didn't recognize myself, I have only ever wanted to be a wife and mother and all of a sudden I wanted neither of those things. Overnight I couldn't look at my husband, I could barely take care of my son. I fantasized about leaving or my husband leaving. (I am a fiercely devoted person, when I choose to love someone I NEVER change my mind). And I didn't want to be pregnant. I was so done with that desire, which is so crazy because I have never had that thought EVER! This was all so extreme for me that I thought I was having a mid life crisis...32 that's close to mid life right??? =)
I was suppose to go with my sister for the weekend to a craft fair we do every year and I could only ask her if Gabe could come too. She finally told me I need to talk with our Pastor's wife who did some counseling. I was a little offended but ended up feeling so strange that I had to talk to someone. (Now, I've never been to counseling or anything like that so this felt weird just agreeing to go). But God is good and knew what I needed to make it through this dark place. I met with my pastor's wife and spilled my guts, I told her everything, thinking that she was going to tell me I needed medication...and I was okay with that since I felt so crazy. But she just told me that this was grief and this was normal and I wasn't crazy, I was just grieving. What a relief it was to hear that!!! My Father in heaven was so quick to help me get that word to my heart. (I believe that He directed me quickly (within 3 days) to someone who recognized my grief for what it was and helped me identify what was going on. Once I knew what was going on I was able to tell myself that I couldn't trust anything that I "felt" and that in time all the craziness would pass. Just knowing that saved me from doing some crazy things. I even believe it saved my marriage.
This was just the beginning of a dark time of my life (and by dark time I don't mean that I was off doing bad stuff, it was just a very painful time as I weeded through the craziness and journeyed through the junk to get to the truth. God's word says He's hidden treasures for us in dark places. I saw this like never before...I wasn't reading my Bible or praying per say but God spoke such profound, deeply intense and relevant, AMAZING, life changing words to my heart and spirit-while I slept, while I stared off into space, random times. I have never understood the love of the Father like I did seeing Him comfort me during this time. I cry just remembering the gentleness, compassion and grace that He handled me with during the most painful time I have ever endured. He held me close, He let me scream, let me pound on His chest, He reassured me of His love over and over again, and He gave me precious and priceless jewels the whole time. He would tell me "you are My daughter, the favorite daughter of the King, I love you, favorite one, Favored one. My heart wants to give you the best, the most amazing life and experiences, even more that you want. You are Mine..."
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Repoductive Science Center (RSC) 2008, 2009 and 3 miscarriages
After Noak came into our lives we realized even more how much we loved being parents. We had to leave our home town because due to our finances (I was no longer working and my husband's pay was a sad joke). We ended up moving to Redding, CA and fell in love with the area, Bethel Church, and the people we met. We continued to try for a baby naturally and the years continued to roll by. By 2008 we had tried EVERYTHING in our power to get pregnant and finally we decided to visit a fertility specialist. We had talked with a few friends and friends of friends that had been to the Reproductive Science Center in San Ramon, CA and all of them raved about it. So though it was 3 hours away and VERY expensive, we decided to go see what could be done.
Right away they diagnosed me with PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which no doctor up til now had figured out. (And RSC did it with one ultrasound). It was good to have a specific thing to go after, and I began to pray specifically for healing of PCOS. We also began the first level of treatment.
IntraUterine Insemination (IUI): This is where they give you hormones to grow your eggs and then when there are 2-3 that are large enough, you take a trigger shot that causes your body to release them. This was some of my worst nightmares brought to life. I have a horrid fear of needles and this scared me something fierce. I was to be given a shot in my stomach every night for like 10 days. I almost cried the first time because I wasn't sure what to expect, turns out when you're using a tiny needle that barely goes into your skin--it doesn't hurt that bad. (Of course for me it wasn't the pain, it was the grossness of the thought of a needle piercing my skin). I started using a tiny bit of lidocane which made the pain nonexistent. But ever night I would still get so nervous (little did I know there was something a whole lot worse to come). The first round we had too many eggs to trigger the release so we had to wait for the next cycle. The next cycle I actually got pregnant and experienced my first miscarriage. I knew I was pregnant from week 3 on and knew there was something wrong when my first pregnancy test was only a faint positive followed the next day by a fainter positive. Up until that point the worst thing I thought I could see was a negative pregnancy test...but I found out that a faint positive getting fainter was even worse. For three days I prayed that my numbers would go up and that the pregnancy would stick. (We even had beloved friends sing the Father's heart over us while we cried on the couch, praying for a miracle. Truth be told this was a time that endeared our hearts to our friends and began a life long deep connection with them). The first miscarriage broke my heart, it came on the day of my sister-in-laws first baby shower. I cried sobs that shook me to my core. But I picked myself up, I knew what God has spoken to me and I held tight to the dream of children, the dream of pregnancy, and to the promise that I had heard from God.
We tried one more round of IUI and we told it was time to try the next level of assistance. We couldn't quite do Invitro fertilization (IVF), emotionally or financially, so we took a break. May of 2009 we finally decided to bite the bullet and get a loan for IVF. IVF was a much more complicated and invasive procedure. I had to do the shots in the stomach, then when the eggs were ready (I think like 40+ eggs) the put me to sleep and got out a whole bunch (with a needle through my uterine wall. Oh and I had to have an IV which was what I was the most worried about, and it was no big deal), then they fertilized them and put them back. Then came the "thrilling" part...my dear hubby got to give me a shot in my butt with a 2" needle every night (and that was open ended)!!! I cried before the first time he gave me a shot. I was so worried that I sat on an ice pack for a 1/2 hour before the shot. Thankfully that did the trick, the ice numbed it enough and deep enough that I couldn't feel a thing!!! THANK YOU JESUS!!!! But once again, I found out early that I was pregnant and this time the miscarriage sent me to the ER (which 2 years later I am still paying for)! I grieved that baby but held on tight to my promises and my dreams and I got ready for the next round of IVF.
The last round of IVF we did using our left over frozen embryos. We had two left and I was very hopeful. We didn't have to do as much this time, only the horrid shots in my butt (every day until I miscarried at 8 weeks). I found out at 3 1/2 weeks that I was pregnant and strongly so. With this one I had great hcg hormone levels (which are pregnancy hormones) and I felt great. At 6 weeks we saw the first heart beat, just a little blinking circle on the screen. All was well, my little one was strong and thriving. But there was a small mass at the top of my uterus (probably where the other baby didn't continue developing). at 6 1/2 weeks I started to spot just a little and my heart ached. I kept my feet up all the time even though we were on vacation with my sister's family in Palm Dessert, CA. I was 7 1/2 weeks when we headed home but on our way home I started to bleed profusely. I went to get it checked the next day and the baby was still there we could even see her (I think she would have been a girl) little head distinct from her little body. She had changed so much in one week, I was amazed and scared and already in love with this little one I had long for so deeply. We found that the clot at the top of my uterus had broken loose and was sliding to the bottom of my uterus. It could be fine and just come out or it could be devastating and I could loose my health and strong baby. A few days later I miscarried. I was 8 weeks and I was out of town at my in-laws house while my husband was out of town for work. When we went back for another ultra sound all that was left was a mass of debris.
Right away they diagnosed me with PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which no doctor up til now had figured out. (And RSC did it with one ultrasound). It was good to have a specific thing to go after, and I began to pray specifically for healing of PCOS. We also began the first level of treatment.
IntraUterine Insemination (IUI): This is where they give you hormones to grow your eggs and then when there are 2-3 that are large enough, you take a trigger shot that causes your body to release them. This was some of my worst nightmares brought to life. I have a horrid fear of needles and this scared me something fierce. I was to be given a shot in my stomach every night for like 10 days. I almost cried the first time because I wasn't sure what to expect, turns out when you're using a tiny needle that barely goes into your skin--it doesn't hurt that bad. (Of course for me it wasn't the pain, it was the grossness of the thought of a needle piercing my skin). I started using a tiny bit of lidocane which made the pain nonexistent. But ever night I would still get so nervous (little did I know there was something a whole lot worse to come). The first round we had too many eggs to trigger the release so we had to wait for the next cycle. The next cycle I actually got pregnant and experienced my first miscarriage. I knew I was pregnant from week 3 on and knew there was something wrong when my first pregnancy test was only a faint positive followed the next day by a fainter positive. Up until that point the worst thing I thought I could see was a negative pregnancy test...but I found out that a faint positive getting fainter was even worse. For three days I prayed that my numbers would go up and that the pregnancy would stick. (We even had beloved friends sing the Father's heart over us while we cried on the couch, praying for a miracle. Truth be told this was a time that endeared our hearts to our friends and began a life long deep connection with them). The first miscarriage broke my heart, it came on the day of my sister-in-laws first baby shower. I cried sobs that shook me to my core. But I picked myself up, I knew what God has spoken to me and I held tight to the dream of children, the dream of pregnancy, and to the promise that I had heard from God.
We tried one more round of IUI and we told it was time to try the next level of assistance. We couldn't quite do Invitro fertilization (IVF), emotionally or financially, so we took a break. May of 2009 we finally decided to bite the bullet and get a loan for IVF. IVF was a much more complicated and invasive procedure. I had to do the shots in the stomach, then when the eggs were ready (I think like 40+ eggs) the put me to sleep and got out a whole bunch (with a needle through my uterine wall. Oh and I had to have an IV which was what I was the most worried about, and it was no big deal), then they fertilized them and put them back. Then came the "thrilling" part...my dear hubby got to give me a shot in my butt with a 2" needle every night (and that was open ended)!!! I cried before the first time he gave me a shot. I was so worried that I sat on an ice pack for a 1/2 hour before the shot. Thankfully that did the trick, the ice numbed it enough and deep enough that I couldn't feel a thing!!! THANK YOU JESUS!!!! But once again, I found out early that I was pregnant and this time the miscarriage sent me to the ER (which 2 years later I am still paying for)! I grieved that baby but held on tight to my promises and my dreams and I got ready for the next round of IVF.
The last round of IVF we did using our left over frozen embryos. We had two left and I was very hopeful. We didn't have to do as much this time, only the horrid shots in my butt (every day until I miscarried at 8 weeks). I found out at 3 1/2 weeks that I was pregnant and strongly so. With this one I had great hcg hormone levels (which are pregnancy hormones) and I felt great. At 6 weeks we saw the first heart beat, just a little blinking circle on the screen. All was well, my little one was strong and thriving. But there was a small mass at the top of my uterus (probably where the other baby didn't continue developing). at 6 1/2 weeks I started to spot just a little and my heart ached. I kept my feet up all the time even though we were on vacation with my sister's family in Palm Dessert, CA. I was 7 1/2 weeks when we headed home but on our way home I started to bleed profusely. I went to get it checked the next day and the baby was still there we could even see her (I think she would have been a girl) little head distinct from her little body. She had changed so much in one week, I was amazed and scared and already in love with this little one I had long for so deeply. We found that the clot at the top of my uterus had broken loose and was sliding to the bottom of my uterus. It could be fine and just come out or it could be devastating and I could loose my health and strong baby. A few days later I miscarried. I was 8 weeks and I was out of town at my in-laws house while my husband was out of town for work. When we went back for another ultra sound all that was left was a mass of debris.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
The Miracle Of Noak
In 2005 we had another transition in our lives. Before we got married we talked about children and family and future. We knew we wanted to adopt we just figured it would look differently, like maybe after we had our 5 children. =) But once again, God knew what we did not!!!
It was July of 2005, we went to our church on a Wednesday night to receive prayer for our infertility issues. While we were there on man shared with us that he kept hearing the name Joshua. Side note: We feel like the Lord told us early on that our first natural child would be a girl, and my oldest nephew is named Joshua. Now we weren't sure what to do with "Joshua" so we tabled that word. And the prayer was great. We talked often about adoption but Gabe was not ready to make that step. So I was a little surprised when September rolled around and he told me that God told him it was time to adopt.
I had just started teaching and so we decided to start the process in May when I was almost done with my school year. I began teaching the 5th grade at the small Christian school that I attended from Kindergarten to 12th grade. November came and with it a friend whom I had not talked to in a while. She had just moved back from Costa Rica and I was catching her up on the excitement of our decision to adopt. Two hours later I received a call back from her saying that she knew we wanted to wait until May but that she knew of someone who was looking for an adopting family. Right away she seemed like a good fit for us and we for her. We couldn't have asked for a better set up. We loved her and we loved her children. She loved the Lord and she was an anointed worshipper. She let us feel the baby kick and I got to go to an ultrasound with her. It was an amazing time. As we wandered through figuring out a name for our soon to be little boy we encouraged her to name him. We wanted her to pick a name for his birth certificated and we would change it legally when the adoption finalized, we also would use the first name in the name that we chose.
We chose the name Noak (variation of Noah). As we prayed about this baby boy we were struck by who Noah was in the Bible. We loved that at a time that God regretted creating man, Noah found favor with God. He was obedient and full of faith. And because of these things he was saved and his family was saved but not only that...the WHOLE human race was saved. These things really stuck in our hearts for this baby boy that was soon to be in our arms. Our prayer: that he would find favor with God and that because of his relationship with Father God, others would be saved.
The name that the birth mom chose: Joshua. (I didn't realize this until 2 weeks after Noak was born).
So we went back to the recording of the prayer we received at church and listened a little closer to the word about "Joshua." It was right in line with our prayer for our son Noak. Favor, relationship, intimacy, etc. HOW AMAZING!!!! God told us his name before we knew we were adopting him, before we knew we were ready to adopt. He has only been conceived a couple weeks prior to God telling us about him. Isn't God AMAZING!!!!
We were in the hospital when he was born via C-Section. We had him in our arms 20 min. after he was born. We held him and stared at this amazing miracle hour after hour. We had waited for 3 1/2 years to be parents and here was our son. We stayed in the hospital with him, Gabe and I sharing a small hospital bed and Noe snug in his little hospital bassinet. The hospital staff were amazing and took care of us like we were guests at a hotel.
We finally went home and began the process of the actually adoption. We were going through a Christian adoption agency and while I would probably not do that again (because of the cost), in this case it was God's grace that we chose to do it this way. I quit work to stay home with our son and things that were already tight got tighter. Then we found out that we needed to pay for court fees to have the birth father's rights terminated. (Another beautiful aspect of my son's adoption story: his birth father wanted him, but was unfit to care for him. I'm so thankful that, of the little we know about his birth father, I get to tell him that his birth father wanted him, but was not able to care for him. I know that is not the case for many adopted children.) We knew from the moment we heard about him that we was supposed to be with us. So together one night we were praying and we told the Lord that we would do anything to pay for this because we knew that God had moved heaven and earth for Noak to be ours. Even if we had to take out another loan (beyond the adoption loan) put off buying a house forever if need be, we were going for it. Two days later, right before our baby shower, our adoption case worker called an told us that someone, who had just finalized their adoption, wanted to donated money to help someone else be able to adopted. The agency had talked about it and decided to give that money to us for our legal fees. It was $15,000 and it covered EVERYTHING!!! Plus they had a lawyer they worked with that only did adoption case like this and she was amazing. GOD KNEW and directed our steps as we walked with Him and listened to Him. And even when we couldn't see the whys and the hows, He knew!!! I am so amazed!!!!
It was July of 2005, we went to our church on a Wednesday night to receive prayer for our infertility issues. While we were there on man shared with us that he kept hearing the name Joshua. Side note: We feel like the Lord told us early on that our first natural child would be a girl, and my oldest nephew is named Joshua. Now we weren't sure what to do with "Joshua" so we tabled that word. And the prayer was great. We talked often about adoption but Gabe was not ready to make that step. So I was a little surprised when September rolled around and he told me that God told him it was time to adopt.
I had just started teaching and so we decided to start the process in May when I was almost done with my school year. I began teaching the 5th grade at the small Christian school that I attended from Kindergarten to 12th grade. November came and with it a friend whom I had not talked to in a while. She had just moved back from Costa Rica and I was catching her up on the excitement of our decision to adopt. Two hours later I received a call back from her saying that she knew we wanted to wait until May but that she knew of someone who was looking for an adopting family. Right away she seemed like a good fit for us and we for her. We couldn't have asked for a better set up. We loved her and we loved her children. She loved the Lord and she was an anointed worshipper. She let us feel the baby kick and I got to go to an ultrasound with her. It was an amazing time. As we wandered through figuring out a name for our soon to be little boy we encouraged her to name him. We wanted her to pick a name for his birth certificated and we would change it legally when the adoption finalized, we also would use the first name in the name that we chose.
We chose the name Noak (variation of Noah). As we prayed about this baby boy we were struck by who Noah was in the Bible. We loved that at a time that God regretted creating man, Noah found favor with God. He was obedient and full of faith. And because of these things he was saved and his family was saved but not only that...the WHOLE human race was saved. These things really stuck in our hearts for this baby boy that was soon to be in our arms. Our prayer: that he would find favor with God and that because of his relationship with Father God, others would be saved.
The name that the birth mom chose: Joshua. (I didn't realize this until 2 weeks after Noak was born).
So we went back to the recording of the prayer we received at church and listened a little closer to the word about "Joshua." It was right in line with our prayer for our son Noak. Favor, relationship, intimacy, etc. HOW AMAZING!!!! God told us his name before we knew we were adopting him, before we knew we were ready to adopt. He has only been conceived a couple weeks prior to God telling us about him. Isn't God AMAZING!!!!
We were in the hospital when he was born via C-Section. We had him in our arms 20 min. after he was born. We held him and stared at this amazing miracle hour after hour. We had waited for 3 1/2 years to be parents and here was our son. We stayed in the hospital with him, Gabe and I sharing a small hospital bed and Noe snug in his little hospital bassinet. The hospital staff were amazing and took care of us like we were guests at a hotel.
We finally went home and began the process of the actually adoption. We were going through a Christian adoption agency and while I would probably not do that again (because of the cost), in this case it was God's grace that we chose to do it this way. I quit work to stay home with our son and things that were already tight got tighter. Then we found out that we needed to pay for court fees to have the birth father's rights terminated. (Another beautiful aspect of my son's adoption story: his birth father wanted him, but was unfit to care for him. I'm so thankful that, of the little we know about his birth father, I get to tell him that his birth father wanted him, but was not able to care for him. I know that is not the case for many adopted children.) We knew from the moment we heard about him that we was supposed to be with us. So together one night we were praying and we told the Lord that we would do anything to pay for this because we knew that God had moved heaven and earth for Noak to be ours. Even if we had to take out another loan (beyond the adoption loan) put off buying a house forever if need be, we were going for it. Two days later, right before our baby shower, our adoption case worker called an told us that someone, who had just finalized their adoption, wanted to donated money to help someone else be able to adopted. The agency had talked about it and decided to give that money to us for our legal fees. It was $15,000 and it covered EVERYTHING!!! Plus they had a lawyer they worked with that only did adoption case like this and she was amazing. GOD KNEW and directed our steps as we walked with Him and listened to Him. And even when we couldn't see the whys and the hows, He knew!!! I am so amazed!!!!
All The Little Things
I spent four more years trying anything that was in my power to try (and that was safe and legal). I was feeling a little nervous at this point. Nobody could pinpoint the problem and so finding a solution was impossible. I began to try anything that "guaranteed" pregnancy in 3 months, or the "everyone that I know that was TTC got pregnant doing this or taking that." I can truly say I have tried almost everything. I even cut out sugar and caffeine for 6 months or so (hardest thing EVER, for me). Nothing changed. I was still not pregnant.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
the next doctor
So I found out about this great doctor that incorporated both modern medicine and homeopathic medicine. He was great. He listened to me, gave me everything in his arsenal and even had me change my diet. I completely went off sugar for something like 7 months. (If any of you know me, that was an incredibly difficult time for me. Growing up my fathers "cure" for anything from fever to stomach ache to a scrapped knee or a sad heart, was a Pepsi. And the special treat he always would bring me was Reeses Pieces or Peanut Butter Cups. To this day I LOVE sweets, but moderate them strictly). So I was Mrs. Cranky Pants for 7 months. I could hardly stand not drinking soda and my craving for it made me want to bite things...or people. But I ate better, lost weight without trying and had a lot more energy. And having the most wonderful husband in the world, he did this diet right along with me. So at this point I was taking pills that were made from animal adrenal glands and reproductive organs, and other such parts, I was taking this thing and that thing. Nothing seemed to make a true difference. So after two years of working on diet and exercise, pills and supplements, we decided to move on.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
The First Year
The first year was not what I expected. I had random periods from coming off of birth control (which I had only used for a few months). I took a billion pregnancy tests. I was still really moody from the birth control and extra emotional from trying to get pregnant without seeing it happen. I was a newly wed, a California girl living in Oklahoma while my husband finished up at ORU, working random part time jobs, with no benefits and not a whole lot of understanding of what was going on. I felt powerless and frustrated, both feelings I would become very intimate with in the future, but I was still very hopeful and optimistic.
First things first, I started reading books about fertility. My favorite was Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. By using the methods in this book I was actually able to pin point the problem I was having....I was not ovulation. After 8 months of trying we decided to scrape together the funds to go see a doctor. (I didn't know for sure at this point that I was not ovulating). My doctor was very helpful and did the first of many tests that we would go through. These were blood tests and thyroid scans. Nothing really was figured out before we moved back home to California. My hubby got a great job, well, he got a job that had great benefits and little else.
So I started to going to an actually OB-GYN. I figured who better to help me figure out my "girlie" problems than someone who specializes in the area. For me this was not a great avenue. (I have to interject here, I have a horrible fear of needles; I get light-headed, sweaty, nauseous and usually pass out when I get shots or have blood drawn). The doctor I chose decided that I didn't know what I was saying when I told her that I was not ovulating. So after 3 months of blood tests and Dr. visits, fainting and sickness, my Dr. told me that I was not ovulating....Are you kidding me, didn't I tell her that when I began?!!? It was at that point that I decided to move on to other options in the field of medicine.
Where It All Began
My name is Sarah. I am 33 years old. My journey through infertility has been long and tiresome. My husband and I have been ttc (trying to conceive) for 8 years, in October.
I grew up in a Christian home, the youngest of three children. My father was a logger and my mother was a homemaker. We were happy and I loved my life, I loved my family and I loved the way that I was being raised. Even when I was in my teen years I knew that I didn't want to go to college, I didn't want to spend time traveling or working on my career, I just wanted to be a wife and mother. My mom had made the job look so amazing and my father honored her and her role so much....why wouldn't that look like the most appealing job ever!?!?! I wanted to get married young and I wanted to have 5 children all by the time I was 30 years old.
Well, like much of life, things often don't turn out like we plan. First, God knew things that I didn't know (surprise!! I know). My husband wasn't quite ready when I was. So, due completely to my parents wisdom and God's direction, I went to college to become a teacher. I got my degree and when I was done I moved home. At this time I met my husband who was just getting out of high school. Yes, crazy I know!!! But I could have search the world over and never been able find a match so perfect, God, again, knew what I did not. My husband is the perfect balance to my weaknesses and strengths and I to his. We got to know each other well over the next couple years, in the process becoming best friends and were engaged for 10 months before we got married in 2002. (He was going to college out of state so we chose to wait to the end of the school year).
Five months after we were married we decided it would be fun to start a family. We thought it would be a fun surprise to get pregnant and then tell everyone. No one that we knew really chose to get pregnant this early in their marriage so we knew it would be a great surprise. I went off birth control and (not knowing much about all this stuff at the time) I expected to get pregnant the first month that we tried (EVERYONE we knew had it happen this way, friends and family, trying or not). So we were visiting my brother and his wife and their 9 month old little girl for Thanksgiving. We were out shopping at, of course, Babies R Us and I started my period thus crushing my thoughts of being pregnant. This devastated me, I stood in the stall of the bathroom, trying to reign in the sobs that were flooding my throat. I don't like to cry in front of people and I didn't like the idea that others could hear me but there was nothing I could do to hold the sobs in. I came out of the bathroom finally, barely containing the sadness that threatened to overthrow my control. My sister in law read the sadness in my eyes and new what was going on. (It is such a blessing to have siblings and their spouses that love, encourage, understand and even help carry the burden).
Okay, so it sounds like I'm crazy to have been so crushed the first time we didn't get pregnant. But I am a dreamer. I am a BIG dreamer with BIG expectations. (I believe God is good all the time and does what He promises. God's word says "Delight yourself in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart," Psalm 37:4. I know that God has put it in my heart to be a mom thus He plans on making me one. I have continually submitted this desire to Him, given Him full reign to change or alter it anyway He wants). So by the time I found out I was not pregnant, that first time, I had already "seen" our entire future as parents. I had dreamed about the joy of seeing the positive pregnancy test, about how we would tell our family. I had dreamed about what it would be like to be full term and glowing, about wearing maternity clothes, about feeling the baby kick for the first time, about feeling the baby move. I had dreamed about going into labor, having a home birth and looking at my baby for the first time. I dreamed about who the baby would look like and the names we may like. These dreams crumbled quickly this first time of not being pregnant.
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